Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Body Image and Daughters

I have felt fat most of my life,
even as a little kid in early elementary school.


In high school, even though I was actually a fine weight, I felt fat.  People around me (including friends) told me I should lose weight.  I'd be prettier.  I'd be more attractive to boys.  Ugh.

In my 20's, while I started to feel better about myself physically, I still struggled with how I looked, feeling fatter than I should be.

Even though I intellectually knew that the definition of beauty encompasses a huge variety of looks, I still wanted to fit into the "right" or "best" tiny segment of the beauty continuum.

It didn't work.  I still thought I was overweight.


Then I had a baby girl.


I did NOT want my daughter growing up with the same worries about body image, and frankly self-hate related to her size and shape.

I knew I couldn't protect her from everything.

But, I decided I would not make it worse.



I sat myself down and had a little chat.


I had a choice.  I could perpetuate the insecurity of feeling fat and "not good enough" or I could do something about stopping the cycle.



I vowed then and there that I would NEVER utter the words, "I feel fat," in front of my daughter:

Even though I still felt overweight and complained to myself, my husband, and friends, I vowed I would never bad mouth myself (or other women) in front of my daughter.

I would never say, "I feel fat."

And I never have.


I couldn't "cure" myself of body image self-doubt, but I could help my daughter get a more confident start in life and hopefully be better prepared to face what lay ahead.


As a result of consciously avoiding hateful self-talk in front of Juliana, I began to feel better about myself.

I still struggle sometimes.

But, I know in my heart, as well as my head, that BEAUTY comes in all shapes and sizes.



BEAUTY rocks all kinds of awesome!


Most importantly, beauty is more about self-acceptance and self-love than anything else.


And the TLC show What Not to Wear helps too.

Juliana (now 14 years old) and I have watched many episodes of What Not to Wear with Stacy and Clinton.

No matter what size or shape woman walks onto their show in the beginning, a confident, gorgeous woman leaves.

All the woman - short, tall, heavy, slender - look awesome and feel awesome too!


So, have I saved my daughter from all body image self-doubt?  Have I saved myself?

No.

But I know she feels pretty good about herself, which is saying a lot when you're 14 years old.


More than anything, I know she's better prepared to face body image challenges than I ever was.

And that feels pretty darn good.


Spring 2012



Today in my Building a Blog You Truly Love class, we're writing brave posts.  If you'd like to read more brave posts or link up your own post, visit Liv Lane's blog.





27 comments:

  1. What a brave conversation you had with yourself for the health of your daughter! And what a great way to turn things around in your own head. Thank you for sharing!

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    1. Thanks! Even if I still struggle with it all, I can try not to drag my daughter down too. What do they say, "Fake it till you make it." Maybe that applies here.

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  2. I always struggled with body image as well, my mother would say I got her 'big thighs' and that I had the 'Hanson body' and would never be skinny. Gee...thanks.

    I look back now on pictures of myself in my early twenties, when I thought I looked bad, and I was AMAZING. And I am sad that I missed out on feeling good about myself, not sure what mirror I was looking in!

    As I have aged and things have shifted and physical issues prevent me from any gym workouts, I have learned to accept the paunch and the flaws and just revel in what IS good. And even though I don't have a daughter, I have always tried to model self esteem for my son as well, even though I think he got the 'Hanson body'....

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    1. Oh if only we could have a talk with our younger selves and say "Enjoy Yourself and Life! You've got it pretty darn good!"

      I agree that modeling self esteem is important for ALL our children - boys and girls!

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  3. I take every opportunity I can to talk to my neice about her body. And how at 14 she isn't in the same body she will be when she's grown and how important it is for her to not try and emulate the women on TV and in magazines. I tell her about photoshop and starvation dieting. I praise her for staying active (she boxes!!) and encourage her to make good nutritional choices. I think instilling a good body image is one of the kindest things you can do for a young lady.

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    1. I think it's great what you are doing for your niece! I try to be a good role model, but I have a LONG way to go. Sounds like you're doing a great job!

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  4. Having a 'fat' day so I really needed to read this. It is slap upside the head two for today, and I have SO much respect that you are aware enough to not pass on our insecurites to our daughters.

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    1. I'm trying hard not to pass on my insecurities. I think she knows sometimes when I'm having a 'fat' day or just feeling bad about myself. But, I try hard not to pull her into it. It's tough though. Thanks.

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  5. From someone who is an eating disorder parent coach...you rock! I love the chat you had with yourself, you were ahead of your time. Such a wonderful impact you have had and are having on your daughter. Thanks for sharing!

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    1. Thank you so much! You're comments mean a lot to me!

      I taught junior high school before I had my daughter. I think teaching that age might have helped me realize that I wanted to try to shield her from as much body image anxiety as I could. She, of course, sees it now. But hopefully, she's in a better position to not be sucked into it.

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  6. Oh, Dara, I LOVE what you share. Yes, we come in all shapes and sizes. What a gorgeous example you are setting for your daughter. I'm so glad you shared this today!

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    1. Thanks for your comments. I agree, we do all come in all shapes and sizes. And that's a great thing!

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  7. Thank you Dara! So much truth in your words.

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  8. Loved your post, I have that same thing-- never being really fat but always believing I am not slim enough--- it is like we are choosing to make ourselves miserable-- I cannot figure out how those thoughts get so deeply embedded.

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    1. I can't figure it out either. Why do we torture ourselves? Where the heck does that come from? Anyway, it's good to step back from time to time and try to think something better about ourselves!

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  9. This is wonderful the way you're raising your daughter in regards to how she sees herself, and it looks like it's working for you. Congratulations and I hope it continues. Unfortunately (or fortunately, however you want to look at it), I was so skinny all through school and kids would make fun of me for being too thin. Isn't it a shame that we can't all accept everyone for what's inside of us rather than our weight?

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    1. I focused on feeling fat because that's what I went through, but you're absolutely right. Kids get teased about being "different" - too tall, too short, too big, too small. We should accept everyone for what's on the inside. I mean, heck, if we all looked exactly alike that would be boring, right?!

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  10. Exactly! I will vent my weight frustrations with my husband when we are alone, but I will not in front of my son or daughter. After listening to my Mom say things like 'fat' and 'diet' my entire childhood, I knew I could not do the same to my children. I love this post!

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    1. You are so smart! I vent to my husband also, who always answers appropriately, as in "you look great." It's awesome that you thought ahead of time about not doing the same thing to your kids!

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  11. What a fantastic post! I am so glad you are modelling a positive body image for your daughter, I hope to do the same for mine. Beautiful! <3

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    1. Thanks a lot! I bet you'll do the same with your children because you care about it!

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  12. This post reminds me of a website called Operation Beautiful. A quote from the site inspired me to write a blog post last summer: "If you are confident, you are beautiful. Stand tall, smile and show the world what your gorgeous self can do!"

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    1. I checked out Operation Beautiful - great site! I love the quote also. And I agree. If we stand tall, smile and show the world how awesome we are, people can't help but believe it!

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  13. Dara, I just want to hug you! So glad you are doing this for your daughter and yourself. You rock!

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    1. Thanks for the comment! I love hugs. Here's one for you -OOO!

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  14. Dara, I can relate to every part of your post. Thank you for sharing!

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    1. Thanks for reading (and relating)! It's tricky and I remind myself a lot to be positive around my daughter.

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